The day of our appointment to find out the gender of our third baby, I remember being super nervous. The butterflies (or baby) in your belly kind of nervous. Up to that point, I was convinced we were having a boy because of an ultrasound we’d had prior to that. Glen, myself & the person performing the ultrasound were pretty confident we saw a penis. In retrospect, it was really way too soon to say. So, I walked in to this appointment believing I was going to get more confirmation that I’m having a boy BUT still holding on to the possibility that I’d be having a girl. I think that’s where the nerves came from.
Click here to watch the day we found out the gender of baby #3!
When I found out that I was actually pregnant with a GIRL, I could not even contain the emotions. The tears began to stream down my face immediately. I was a mixture of excited, nervous & skeptical. I had psyched myself out for so long that I really believed I was having a boy. The news of being pregnant with the baby girl I always wanted just seemed so unreal. As the idea of having a daughter began to settle in my spirit, a huge weight of responsibility also began to settle there. I had visions of her as a teenager, then a young adult and eventually a wife and mother. It was weird… I skipped pass the first time I’d hold her in my arms straight to all of these seasons of her life. I began to carry the weight of the influence I would have on her.
I do not remember feeling this way when the boys were born. Naturally there’s a whole new level of responsibility that comes with becoming a parent, but there was something about becoming a mother to a daughter who would one day be a mother that got to me. Shoot, it still gets to me. How was I going to prepare her to be the best version of herself in those seasons I envisioned her in? How am I currently doing in this season? How could I be doing better? Am I proud of the woman I am today? Could she be proud of the woman I am today? These are all questions I began pondering simultaneously as I realized the woman I am called to be in the life of my daughter. After all, I am the dominant role model of womanhood in her life. I don’t want to mess this up!
A year has passed, and I must say I still ponder these questions. However, they’re all motivating factors for me to be a better version of myself. I am a lot more intentional about the decisions I make and the WHY. On this day last year, Anaya Zai made her debut into our lives and has increased our capacity to love by leaps and bounds. One of the decisions we made when she was born is that I would become a stay-at-home-mom now that we are a family of 5. Let me be the first to tell you: this has been the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life, but it has also been the most rewarding! To be able to watch the boys mature and develop has been such a treat. To watch them assume the role of big brothers has been beautiful. To get to witness the bond between my children blossom into something I could only dream of has been remarkable. To spend my days with them has been exhausting and marvelous all at the same time. Moreover, I’m grateful for this season. I feel like a lump of clay, and I can literally feel the Lord molding me into his beautiful creation of the Proverbs 31 kind of woman that my husband and all of my children can be proud of. As I continue on this journey of motherhood, may my children learn from my mistakes, be empowered by my triumphs & know the Father’s love through my love for them.
To you, Anaya Zai, on your birthday… You are far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Your smile is contagious and your joy illuminates all things good in our life! You make me better and I look forward to a lifetime of celebrating you!
Happy Birthday baby girl!!!
