Episode 3: Yvette, and ALL THOSE Unexpressed Feelings

The Loss of Kobe Bryant

I read Therapy for Black Girls Session 102: Why Am I Grieving Someone I Didn’t Know? recently and it spoke to me because I didn’t follow Kobe’s career and I’m not a big sports girl. Even before I heard about the helicopter crash, I’ve been hearing about miscarriages, kids in hospitals, people losing their lives, suicide, and so much more. This loss has forced me to face my mortality and it hits me that the next moment isn’t promised. Even though I have a family who is currently healthy, you just never know what could happen. So far, I haven’t had to experience anything super devastating like this, but there are so many people who are going through it.

It’s hit me that there are so many people showing up despite their circumstances, and I am lifting up those passengers’ families and loved ones in prayer.

Mental Check Up

The other day, I shared with someone that I was in therapy and they wondered why. This question caught me off guard because, to me, the question is more why not go? You’re supposed to go to the doctor each year for a check up: general doctor, eye doctor, dentist, etc. But we don’t as regularly check in on our mental health. I started therapy because I wanted to make sure my mental health is doing well too.

I wanted to share some things my therapist and I talked about in my last session. It was actually pretty intense as I talked about some relationships I have, and she finally said that my feelings and thoughts are at odds. I know what I think, but how do I feel? I was talking myself out of my feelings, and when she pointed that out in me, I didn’t know how to change that. I was embarrassed about my feelings because I feel it’s silly, but she asked if I am embarrassed of my feelings or anticipating embarrassment from others. I’ve accepted this idea where if I tell others my feelings face to face, I’m vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable because I don’t want to be seen as less than.

Vulnerability

We talked a little bit about this topic in HMAY Episode 69: Sex While Co-Sleeping. My therapist handed me a paper of cluster words to help me describe my feelings. If I’m angry, am I enraged? Disappointed? Frustrated? My remedy for my feelings is to do something. For example, if I’m upset that Glen didn’t take the trash out, I’ll just take it out instead of saying, “Hey, babe. It makes me nervous that the trash isn’t out yet.” I felt like I was being proactive by taking care of what was worrying me, but my therapist disagreed. Her remedy is to express those feelings. I shared that with Glen, and he agreed that I do that and need to work on.

I want authentic relationships, but in order to get those, I need to work on allowing others to have intimacy with me by being vulnerable. I can’t have that closeness without letting people into my feelings.

Feeling & Expressing

My therapist also had me envision my future, and I started using words from her list like satisfied, joyful, etc, and those words ended up describing what contentment looks like for me. At this moment, I have a lack of peace, but I am working towards building that contentment that I described to her.

I encourage you to feel your feelings and to express those feelings. We don’t have to let them consume us, but we can navigate how to overcome unhealthy feelings and replace them with healthy ones. We’re all on our own journey to healing, and I’m right there with you. #feelyourfeelings