It’s okay to mourn what was or what wasn’t or what could’ve been. This is an affirmation I had to give myself this week, which is interesting given that the week before I had very interesting conversation with a beautiful soul who expressed to me that “mourning is productive because it takes us somewhere.” Mourning described as productive seems like the ultimate oxymoron, but the more we talked the more I understood.
Before our conversation, I didn’t much differentiate between grief and mourning. However, it turns out grief is something that weighs us down down, while mourning is an unloading of that weight. A quick Google search describes grief as “what we think and feel on the inside” after experiencing a loss (death or otherwise). On the other hand, “mourning is the outward expression of our grief.” Mourning is the entering into and facing the loss.
My could’ve been is the years before marriage when I could’ve lived on my own and experienced a single-hood differently. It’s the years I didn’t get to be selfish in how I spent my money, time, and energy. I’ve found that as the domestic load gets heavier in this season, I’m reflecting more on those years I never had. I have come to understand it’s okay for me to mourn what could’ve been, but I don’t need to stay there. Expressing the grief and processing those feelings and where they come from is productive in that it fights against resentment that could arise in my current season.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the mourning.”
Psalm 30:5
Maybe the destination in JOY! Maybe the destination is CONTENTMENT! I will say the domestic load is still heavy, and even as I type this I am feeling beat up by the day. However, there’s a joy that I have for the life I am blessed to have built with my husband. it’s not even in the material things I could list, but it’s in the beauty that is the legacy that is our family. There’s a deep sense of gratitude for what is because what could’ve been was not. Read that last sentence again, but slower. I assure you in makes sense. Haha!
Anyway, are you in a similar place? Is there a grief you’ve internalizing that’s weighing you down and making it difficult for you to move forward? What would it look like for you to actually allow yourself to mourn?
Xo!
I love your statement “ My could’ve been is the years before marriage when I could’ve lived on my own and experienced a single-hood differently. It’s the years I didn’t get to be selfish in how I spent my money, time, and energy. I’ve found that as the domestic load gets heavier in this season, I’m reflecting more on those years I never had. I have come to understand it’s okay for me to mourn what could’ve been, but I don’t need to stay there”
I am well in my sixties and hearing your Jude 3 Project discussion was of great interest.
I too feel there’s no demand to stay in what could have been. I am the youngest child of nine and every thought process led to being a wife and mother. Instead I learned to love myself, live as a wife and became guardian to young nephew and niece (now your age). Ive been able to do things never expected. Your term – release, rest, remain and return speaks volumes to me. Blessed to have heard you and even more blessed to Share. Will purchas your book. Thank you.