A couple of months ago, my husband & I were able to sit in on a session with Milan & Kay Yerkovich, the authors of How We Love. In their book, they kind of take a deep dive into the ways that we love and the root of it. Today I take a deep dive into the chapter that highlights the love style of the pleaser. If you would like to find out what your love style is, click this link: https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/
The book talks about different love styles, and after taking the quiz, I am the People Pleaser. I’m not really proud of that (not sure if you’re supposed to be), but it’s definitely made me more self aware.
What stood out to me was the piece I read from them that said People Pleasers are “…used to constant levels of anxiety. They live with anxiety, but don’t always acknowledge it.” Glen says that whenever I finish one project, I already have the next thing in my mind of what I need to do. I’d never thought of myself as an anxious person, but I am starting to see that I am.
The question is: What do I do with this?
People Pleasers tend to feel lost and need to take care of other things to avoid feeling isolated. They also tend to need signs of reassurance, which speaks to how I am in my marriage and family life. I always need reassurance that the people around me feel loved by me.
As a child, I completely embodied the child that hoped to be the “good girl,” to keep the peace in my family. Seeing both my older and younger brothers in trouble, I simply wanted to make sure I was making the right decisions and aligning myself to my faith like my parents did in the church. My parents were always dealing with my brothers, so they paid less attention to what I was doing.
In therapy, we went over my family of origin and things started coming out that I didn’t really realize were issues. And this “good girl” concept has come up!
As a teacher, I always had affirmation: coming in for their breaks, tests, lessons, etc. I always could gage how I was doing in that space, but being a stay at home mom, that isn’t so easy. My children don’t always affirm what I’m doing, and that has been hard. I wonder if I will have to wait until they are older to get that affirmation that what I’m doing is working and meaningful.
This podcast very much brings out this People Pleaser fear of mine: will people listen to it? Will it be good enough for others? I’m trying to keep this podcast as something I do for me, but the fear of rejection is definitely still there.
I’ve also noticed that my relationships around me do influence my decisions, and that’s something I am working through. Even when a lot is asked of me, I don’t set boundaries well, which causes underdeveloped anger in me. And because I have trouble allowing myself to be angry, I harbor resentment. I’m learning that the people who love you will respect boundaries that you set and love you anyway, and it’s something I’m working out.
People Pleasers tend to give well, but have a hard time receiving from others such as help when they need it. They don’t acknowledge their hurt from childhood, although they have compassion for others’ situations. I relate to these so much! I have an easier time grieving for others than myself. I compare and contrast what others deal with and what I am, but my situations and feelings matter!
All in all, People Pleasers allow fear to govern their life, and I’m realizing that may be the case for me and something I am and will continue to work through. I hope that this resonates with you and thank you for listening!
Hey, hey! I'm Yvette!
I'm a thirty-four year old wife, mother of four, podcast host, and writer from San Diego, California. I'm a former math teacher turned stay-at-home parent and influencer with the unique opportunity to bring women into community with one another and encourage them in their seasons of life through my podcast, Yvette, Unplugged and my online community, Women, Unplugged.
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