Anjuli just released a book two weeks ago entitled, Stay: Discovering Grace, Freedom, and Wholeness Where You Never Imagined Looking. As I read through the pages of the book, I relate to so much. She says,
“As women, we are exhausted. Our hearts are being wrung out to dry–squeezed and yanked in every direction. We take care of everyone but ourselves. We’ve gotten lost in bedtime routines and our Costco lists. We have lost our voices in the storm of everyday life. We need to be reminded to reach inward and heed the quiet voice whispering, Stay.”
I invited her to join me this episode to discuss trauma, friendships and courage!
Trauma is a big word. We put it with war veterans and sexual abuse. So when we organize memories and experiences, we can label them as trauma (small t). Something as small as a wedding. Even if it’s a positive, trauma is anything that disrupts your life. Pain and trauma of all sizes is valid. That thing that happened to you needs to be acknowledged so you don’t get stuck there.
Allowing yourself to experience the tiers of trauma is huge. I got a comment from a listener who was upset about my last episode and saying that I wasn’t experiencing anything during that pandemic. I read it a few times to see if it was true, and the third time, I knew the comment wasn’t true. This woman does not have a full view of who I am. She only sees pieces of me. I want the me on the internet and the me in real life to be the same, and when I get comments like that, I second guess if I am being authentic.
When I first read it, I felt hurt. I had to allow Glen to speak into me and believe what he was speaking. In that moment, I got to meet with Glen and with Jesus. As Anjuli pointed out, the comment became a blessing and a gift. It takes courage to stay in that feeling.
God is always taking us back to our trauma to grow us, but they can feel like a death sentence at the time. Stepping out in vulnerability and taking the mask off has been a step of faith.
In her early 20s, Anjuli was terrified to tell her friend a secret, and was sweating and crying thinking about it. After telling her, she responded, “That’s it?” Sometimes we have these secrets and we are so scared to say them, but when you find people who meet them with love, those are people to hold onto.
Anjuli describes having a house of friends. Some friends are dining room friends, kitchen friends, etc. Having categories is helpful mentally to identify your friendships so you have reasonable expectations both ways.
Sometimes you’ll have front porch friends. It’s not time for you to invite them into your space yet. A good friend will be invited to your kitchen – they know where your cups and napkins are and they know you that same way. Some friends are casual and belong in your living room so you can hang out, but at the end of the night, it’s time to go. And you have a few friends who are master bedroom friends. They know it all and what’s in your closet. And other friends walk through the rooms. When things happen, friends can move into different spaces in your house. They may go from master bedroom friends, and something happens to make them now hallway friends. It can be so painful, but having those boundaries is so helpful.
Anjuli has to prioritize what she puts out in friendships. There’s an online and real life presence she has, and when online gets more of her than real life, that’s what can cause pain. She’s realized that she needs to pour more into her real life than online. The master bedroom friends should get the best of me, but they are also the friends that will give the most grace anyway.
Social media has made me more lazy in my friendships. It can be so powerful, but sometimes my online family is getting more of my effort than real life. It’s important to prioritize those in-person relationships, and we are definitely being faced with that in this season of Covid.
You can find Anjuli…
Facebook: Anjuli Paschall
Hey, hey! I'm Yvette!
I'm a thirty-four year old wife, mother of four, podcast host, and writer from San Diego, California. I'm a former math teacher turned stay-at-home parent and influencer with the unique opportunity to bring women into community with one another and encourage them in their seasons of life through my podcast, Yvette, Unplugged and my online community, Women, Unplugged.
More about me!